Anime

All the Above

Each day that passes, my heart grows fonder of Tere.  Every conversation rings a new bell that sings out my desire to be with her.  My thoughts are constantly on Graduate School.....and where the heck I am going to go.  I think I am delaying, for reasons I may not know; maybe its fear.  I got accepted to St. Mary's and University of Dayton's graduate schools of Theology.  St. Mary's offers so much!  Not only is it cheaper than Dayton; but they have given me so much more.  I received their graduate assistantship.  But greatest...is the opportunity to work with Fr. Bernard Lee with research in Theology.  I know that is a great deciding factor!  I could listen to that brilliant man forever!  He is a genius!  I firmly believe that he knows what life, community, and relationships are, and what they should be. 

I cannot lie to myself either.....Tere does play a role, and I think a big role.  If I lied to myself about that, in understanding she is really attracting me and influencing my decision to go to San Antonio and St, Mary's.....then I feel I would be lying about our relationship.  I really want to be with her.  We am so close to becoming girlfriend/boyfriend....and although they are just titles.....the commitment we can, and hopefully will, make to each other is truly going to mean the world to me.  I really feel and hope God is calling us to be together.....It feels so right!  It brings such a great peace to my heart and mind when I think about us together!

I think the fear is what my decision with graduate school entails.  Even then, there is still a lot of unknowns in that.  Dayton, I know, I could finally work on my relationship with my sister, Dotty.  I know I can start now, but it is so hard to take that first step to see if that is something she even wants.  I do think, however, that her being on her own would be very good for her.  I know I am afraid, but still very hopeful, about St. Mary's.  I know when I left, which at the time, I didn't even think about Grad School there, that I missed out on some great opportunities.  Yes, that goes beyond Tere.....but I think it can include her.  I really want to learn Spanish.  And French.  And German.  And Latin.  And Greek.  I also want to bring Lay Marianist Students back....I WILL NOT LET THAT FALL THROUGH THE CRACKS LIKE I LET IT my last semester!!!!!  I also want to get back into Adoration.  I really miss that.....Leading it.....Angel staff really cut into that....but that ministry was just awesome and prayerful in and of itself!

WOW!!!!  This blog is seemingly everywhere......but I know a single thread weaves and connects everything.....Discernment!  I am close to choosing.....I don't know why I wait.....I want St. Mary's....REALLY BADLY.......But I don't know why I wait.  Oh well, soon I will choose, I am sure!  I know I want my choice to be for the right reasons.....And I think that is what I am worried about.

I fear what it means to have Tere as a part of my decision.  I don't want to pressure her....I don't want to pressure us.....but I am ready!  I want to be US!  These two fish, I feel, are getting to big and ambitious for the water!  I want her in my life!  I want her to influence the man I am, and the man I hope to become!  She has a greatness and depth about her.....and I want that to become a center and foundation in my life.  I really think our relationship will glorify God.  I can see that our love for each other, will influence the love we have for others, and God!  I want OUR relationship to be more than OURSELVES.....I want it to belong to others as well.  To truly love someone, I believe, is to also love those that that person is connect with; and to help those people grow closer and deeper as well.  That's a topic for another blog.....maybe....I am still not that great at keeping up with this site.  Anyway.......I want mine and Tere's relationship to be a shining light to others.  To show them the greatness of having Eros and Agape living in harmony!  But most importantly, to have God at the center!  I can't wait!  So much hope and joy and peace......How can I not let that opportunity influence my decision?!?!?!?!  I really would like an answer!

Well, those are the main things rolling around my head.....GREAT THINGS though!  Hopefully, I will get back into this Xanga thing.....We shall see!

Peace,

John Fogarty

Racing Minds

I sometimes wish I could understand all the thoughts and emotions and feelings running through my mind and heart.  I wish they could slow down so i can look at them and embrace each of the.  My fishy has really allowed me to open up my feelings and all my thoughts.  She has listened to every word i said or typed.  Thats a lot!  I don't think i could even count that high.  If you are reading this, thank you.  You know who you are!

Life never ceases to amaze me.  I am just so afraid i am going to get swept away by the "real world" which I am disgusted by.  I just want to know that I get to do the things I truly want, and not let the idea of living to work, get in the way.

So many thoughts.  I wish someone could enter my head for one minute.  I swear a normal person would go insane for how quickly I can think.

I can't think of what to write because my thoughts and words fly so quickly.  I think of one thing to say, and then almost immediately, i think of another.  Then I think that i want to say both.  Then i try to remember what i originally thought, but i forget.  But while i think about that, a new thought comes into my head and i want to write that and the second thought.  But now i forgot the second thought, and i remember the first thought; but now i forgot the third thought.  Then i realize less than 2 seconds have passed on the clock.  Is that normal?  To think that quickly?  Oh yeah, there were more thoughts within that, but i forgot to write them down.

Anyway, the reason i started writing all of this:

I love that someone listens to all of that, laughs with me, and tells me that i am a lot like her.  It brings a peace into my heart.

I really realize how much i miss you when i look at the Big dipper.  But tonight, i cannot see it, and a certain sorrow enters my heart.  A mist envelopes me and clouds my thoughts.  I realize that it will not be soon enough until i see you.  I become aware of the miles between us, and the feeling that i am stuck here.  But a ring enters my ears, and casts the mist away.  Her voice enters my mind and heart, and i am filled with joy!

Currently Listening EVANESCENCE " Origin " CD by BIGWIG, 11 trucks see related

To the one i wait for!